As I started my senior year, I expected one thing: normality. I thought that it would be much like my other years of schooling, with the exception of applying for college and scholarships. I looked forward to being with my friends again. I expected certain classes to be a challenge, but I felt confident I could keep up and do well. I thought my life would be (somewhat) calm.
How wrong I was.
As I've mentioned in earlier posts, one of my best friends was diagnosed with a brain tumor on the third day of school. While I definitely was not the person who suffered the most through that hard time (she herself gets that award, closely followed by her family), I felt a lot of pain. Even now, realizing how crazily close I came to losing one of my best friends, I feel so lost. I thought I had "gotten over" it and moved on, but apparently, I have not. My school work has suffered. My grades have hit an ultimate low, and my attendance record is far from perfect. I have lost my former desire to excel in classes, to an extent, and it's hard to get up some mornings, knowing I'll have to go to school. The thought of applying for college and scholarships has become overwhelming. I stress out over ridiculously small things. I've had little or no desire to attend church meetings. In short, I've been depressed.
Just when I thought things could not get any worse, I received news of the unexpected death of a friend. This boy, Adam, was a member of my family cast from Nauvoo. He had really made me feel welcome and special during those two weeks. After the pageant, my family got to visit their home and spend a day with them again, which is a memory I cherish. Adam had the best smile and the kindest personality. It really hit me hard to hear about his death. I still can't believe he's gone.
I've entered a sort of dark hole, if you will, that I'm really struggling to get out of. I tried to do it on my own (silly me, I know), and when that didn't work, I got really frustrated. I was just kind of angry in general. I felt abandoned and unloved and lost. My Mom pulled me aside one night, and let me cry and whine on her shoulder for a good hour or so. She then counseled me to say my prayers more sincerely and to read my scriptures more intently. I did so that night, and ran across this scripture. It reads:
"But, behold, Zion hath said: The Lord hath forsaken me, and my Lord hath forgotten me--but he will show that he hath not. For can a woman forget her sucking child, that she should not have compassion on the son of her womb? Yea, they may forget, yet will I not forget thee, O house of Israel. Behold, I have graven thee upon the palms of my hands; thy walls are continually before me."
1 Nephi 21:14-16
I bawled after reading that. I was not forgotten. I was--am!--loved. I have a Savior who knows exactly what I'm going through, and He will not leave me. I took a lot of comfort and strength from this, and made it through a hard weekend and a few more days. . . and then lost it again. I struggled all through last week, and by the time General Conference rolled around, I was just done. I ached for something to be said during Conference that would help me, but when nothing came (probably because I was too busy wallowing in self pity), I felt alone and abandoned once more.
Finally, after going down into my room, I felt like I should pray. I knelt down and poured out complaint after complaint to the Lord, and do you know what? He listened. After I had finished my list of worries and fears and hurts, I felt such a quiet peace and love--something I have not felt in a month and a half. Those doubts, stresses, pains, and fears are still there, but I know that I can make it through. This month and a half of depression is not the end. I have a direction. I have an end goal. And it will be all right. With the Lord's help, I will be able to do anything.
My Lord has not forsaken me. And neither has my family or friends.
"My [daughter], peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment . . . [and] thou shalt triumph."
Doctrine and Covenants 121:7-8
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